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:iconsweetlittlevampire: More from SweetLittleVampire


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April 9, 2013
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- Or how to become the dwarf you´ve always wanted to be. -

1. Be gruff.
2. Be proud of your size. Never wear high heels unless you need to peak over a wall out of strategic (or voyeuristic) reasons.
3. Eat. A lot. Never refuse an invitation to dinner.
4. Spill as much of your ale as possible while drinking.
5. Avoid silly songs.
6. Look into the distance, if convenient. If inconvenient look anyways.
7. Unless it would kill you. Obviously.
8. Wear dead animals´ skins and furs. Eat the rest. A dwarf does not join PETA. Nor does he become vegetarian. Or even vegan (for he´s not an elf).
9. Avoid elves. They´re sparkly and hug trees. And ride moose.
10. Imitate your pony´s latest hairstyle.
11. If you have the chance to let your hair flow in the wind, do so.
12. Never cut your beard unless you´re in mourning.
13. When you´re in battle, keep your weapons in the best possible shape.
14. Beards extensions are a big no-go. A proudly worn growing beard is more honourable than a cowardly disguised false beard.
15. If you´re in spontaneous need of a new shield use the first thing you can grab.
16. Always prefer meat over salad. Or any other green food. If you must eat some, try roasting it.
17. If you need to look at someone in a grim way, try to show as much of your forehead as possible.
18. Never smile more often than ten times in three hours, unless you´re very young or drunk. Very very drunk.
19. When being invited to dinner, don´t forget to aim at fellow guests´ open mouths with boiled eggs.
20. Never try to hug an Orc.
21. Beware of fake Arkenstones on the black market. They´re copies made in China.
22. When meeting a Hobbit, greet him yelling “AXE OR SWORD?” at him.
23. Never carry handkerchiefs. Use spare parts of your coat.
24. Never try to hit on an Elf girl. NEVER.
25. When travelling with a Hobbit, tell him he has no place amongst you, but save him whenever he´s in danger.
26. When encountering trolls on a journey, send out a Hobbit to get food and rescue your horses. It´ll keep you safe.
27. Remember: the worst present you could possibly get a dwarf  woman is a Ladyshave. Get a nice bead instead. Dwarf ladies love beads!
28. Make sure you have enough practice in reading bedtime stories when you have to take care for dwarflings. Especially those including squirrels and dinosaurs.
29. Try to keep a Hobbit´s bathroom intact while using it. They´re bad plumbers.
30. Emptying the pantry is perfectly fine, though.
31. If someone offers you a cheese knife, accept it. It may come in handy as letter opener.
32. Be stubborn.
        ( I am not stubborn.
          I am not stubborn.
          I am NOT stubborn.

33. Never trust a wizard´s map. Try using a compass.
34. If you have a bad sense of orientation, do not travel alone. You might lose your way. Twice.
35. When you see gold, go crazy.
36. Beware of dragons. Do not tickle them while they´re asleep.
37. Don´t let Bofur describe dragons to Hobbits. They´re not “flying furnaces”. The dragons, I mean.
38. A perfect gift for a Hobbit is a pair of foot hair curlers.
39. Do as much blacksmith work as possible in your free time. It improves your skills, and the ladies might want to watch.
40. If you cannot regain Erebor, consider moving into a Hobbit house. It´s a hole in the ground as well, after all, only smaller.
41. Moose antlers are no toys. Nor are they decorative.
42. If you party, party hard.
43. Only a smelly dwarf makes a good drunk, so do smell – but do it with majesty.
44. Keep your braids as tidy and accurate as possible. Rebraid when in need, but never make a girlish face while doing so.
45. Carry enough metal beads with you to decorate your braids. If you run out of them, use an old Coke can.
46. If in danger, never forget to praise the size of your non-existent parasites.
47. Look as majestic and melancholic as possible while smoking your pipe and singing songs in a stranger´s house at night time.
48. If you have to write a contract, write it as complicated and long as possible.
49. Bury your purse. It may serve as long-term deposit.
50. If someone hands you a strangely shaped key, look as shocked and astonished as possible.
51. Trust the dwarf with the whitest beard in your group. He probably knows better than you. He probably also has a better sense of direction.
52. Do not fangirl when first encountering a Hobbit.
53. Be prepared to die for your family. They care for you – do them honour.
54. Never make fun of Durin´s beard. It was the most majestic one.
55. Actually never make fun of Durin at all.
56. Nor of your mother.
57. Or the king´s sister. She bites.
58. Beware of Gollum. He might be in want of an exotic lunch.
59. Only trust rings you have forged yourself.
60. Never forget your inner size. Even if you measure less than 1,50 m, you might have the heart and grace of an 1,87 m one.
61. Being majestic is all about attitude. Size does not matter – in every sense.
62. Except when you´re talking about your beard.
63. Wear the hugest and bulkiest boots you may find. Make sure they have iron caps. They´ll leave epicly majestic footprints.
64. When hearing someone tell stories about your past as a soldier, make sure to stand on the edge of a mountain at night and look majestic.
65. Hate wizards. They might lead you to elves.
66. When telling someone to give someone else a pony, don´t forget to speak with a majesticly deep voice.
67. When being with elves, always assume that they´re insulting you, even if they invite you for dinner.
68. It is unfair and rude to throw sausages at overweight dwarves with doughnut-shaped beards.
69. Never forget to burp after having emptied your pint. It is utterly majestic.
70. Yell at people and insult them before you hug them and tell them you´re happy they´re still alive.
71. Know the sound a dragon makes without having ever encountered one before.
72. Like oak trees; they make good shields. But do not hug them.
73. In fact, never hug a tree. Not even if he asks for it.
74. Ents count as trees.
75. Be nice to squirrels. They have bushy tails and make pretty coat decorations.
76. Have relationships with your horses, but keep them on a platonic level.
77. Never try to sing “If I had a hammer” with other dwarves when they´re sober.
78. Be insanely happy when you get to ride in a helicopter for the first time.
79. Maths, geometry and engineering are both, awesome and majestic.
80. If you want to follow the latest fashion, wear braids in your moustache and your hair in a star shape.
81. Axe pieces in your skull are no decorative objects. They hurt.
82. Stress how underappreciated dwarven realms are whenever you can. (Moria is NOT just a mine, by Durin´s beard!)
83. Be prepared to be shipped with the strangest beings. Hobbits, for example.
84. If you want to look really majestic, push your braided moustache upwards by making a duckface.
85. Never shave completely. You might end up looking like a girl.
86. No matter what you do, remember – Uncle knows best.
87. If you start losing your capital hair, dissimulate your bald skull under some fancy tattoos.
88. Only the fiercest warriors can pull off mohawks.
89. Do not smoke when being outside in the rain. It´ll only ruin the tobacco in your pipe.
90. Beware of white Orcs. They´re wicked.
91. Never underestimate dwarves with sophistically braided hair. They might be the strongest in the company.
92. Be careful while naming a dwarf´s gender. Facial hair doesn´t necessarily make a man.
93. A group of travelling dwarves is never just a group. It´s a company.
94. A respectable dwarf may rather die than to get shaved.
95. When being in Moria, do not forget to taste their famous cupcakes.
96. When being in Moria, beware of Durin´s Bane.
97. Should you witness two dwarves axe- or sword battling, don´t shout “Can you not do that! You´ll blunt them!” . They might start singing.
98. Never try to convince a dwarf that he´s actually living in New Zealand. He won´t believe you anyways. Because he´s too stubborn.
99. No company of dwarves can be separated easily.
100. Learn those rules by heart and recite them aloud in front of a group of friends without laughing. It´ll make you appear insanely majestic.
A Beginner´s Guide On How To Be Majestic: You are here! :D
An Advanced Guide On How To Be Majestic: [link]
An Expert Guide On How To Be Majestic: [link]

This little piece is a collaboration between :iconabschaumno1:~AbschaumNo1 and my humble self.

It was inspired by :iconalbinonial:*AlbinoNial´s Fii and Kili edition of “Beards and Braids”:

We saw the cover, and I remember ~AbschaumNo1 laughing so hard when she read “A Beginner´s Guide On How To Be Majestic” , and she went like: “WE HAVE TO WRITE THIS!!!” :rofl:

So in a particularly boring Poetry Analysis class we sat down and typed this! We were pretty surprised to get 100 points together, actually. :D

There are some references to the actors themselves as well, just in case you wonder.

As for No. 95 – she and I had a movie night with two other friends, watching the extended version of “The Lord Of The Rings”. I had made nougat cupcakes for the occasion, and we baptised them “Moria Cupcakes” for some reason.

If you :+fav: and like this, don´t forget to walk over to *AlbinoNial and give her some love as well! Without her, we would not have come up with this!

If you liked this little guide, you´d probably love :iconallmyninjas182:~allmyninjas182´s 20 Rules of Thorin and Company.

20 Rules of Thorin and Company 20 Rules of Thorin and Company

1. Despite having a name Bilbo Baggins shall always be referred to as ‘the Hobbit’ or ‘Burglar’.

2. Thorin’s speeches are majestic and must be adhered to at any point in time.

3. Balin must always be the one to tell stories of the past.

4. When the Hobbit states that you have parasites it is wise to always play along.

5. Kili and Fili are never to be separated. Ever.

6. Trolls cannot be reasoned with. They are half-wits.

7. Kili and Fili are not to watch the ponies. Ever.

8. Elves are not appropriate company. The only time an elf may appear in dwarvish speak is in the conte

It´s awesome, I laughed so hard! Besides it´ll provide you wonderful information on how to organise your Company. :3

“The Hobbit / “LotR” © JRR Tolkien
“The Hobbit” movie © New Line Cinema / MGM, director: Peter Jackson
Add a Comment:
Fgpinky123 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I can imagine Filli and Killi writing this and saying it out the the Company, and taking turns saying them!
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Awww yes, it´ll be so much fun hearing them saying all that stuff. :giggle:
Fgpinky123 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
And Thorin would love #86.
I can imagine Filli and Killi say it together!
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XD Indeed he would.
DareDreemer Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
OMFG... I am laughing so hard.
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Can you imagine this has been written during an actual lecture? XDDD
DareDreemer Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
lol... Oh God!
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It was hard to keep the giggling to a minimum. :giggle:
DareDreemer Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I can imagine. It would have taken me a month of Sundays to have written that out, too much laughing.
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
90 minutes of awesomeness. Gotta say my writing partner is brilliant at such things.
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