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- Or how to become the dwarf you´ve always wanted to be. -

1. Be gruff.
2. Be proud of your size. Never wear high heels unless you need to peak over a wall out of strategic (or voyeuristic) reasons.
3. Eat. A lot. Never refuse an invitation to dinner.
4. Spill as much of your ale as possible while drinking.
5. Avoid silly songs.
6. Look into the distance, if convenient. If inconvenient look anyways.
7. Unless it would kill you. Obviously.
8. Wear dead animals´ skins and furs. Eat the rest. A dwarf does not join PETA. Nor does he become vegetarian. Or even vegan (for he´s not an elf).
9. Avoid elves. They´re sparkly and hug trees. And ride moose.
10. Imitate your pony´s latest hairstyle.
11. If you have the chance to let your hair flow in the wind, do so.
12. Never cut your beard unless you´re in mourning.
13. When you´re in battle, keep your weapons in the best possible shape.
14. Beards extensions are a big no-go. A proudly worn growing beard is more honourable than a cowardly disguised false beard.
15. If you´re in spontaneous need of a new shield use the first thing you can grab.
16. Always prefer meat over salad. Or any other green food. If you must eat some, try roasting it.
17. If you need to look at someone in a grim way, try to show as much of your forehead as possible.
18. Never smile more often than ten times in three hours, unless you´re very young or drunk. Very very drunk.
19. When being invited to dinner, don´t forget to aim at fellow guests´ open mouths with boiled eggs.
20. Never try to hug an Orc.
21. Beware of fake Arkenstones on the black market. They´re copies made in China.
22. When meeting a Hobbit, greet him yelling “AXE OR SWORD?” at him.
23. Never carry handkerchiefs. Use spare parts of your coat.
24. Never try to hit on an Elf girl. NEVER.
25. When travelling with a Hobbit, tell him he has no place amongst you, but save him whenever he´s in danger.
26. When encountering trolls on a journey, send out a Hobbit to get food and rescue your horses. It´ll keep you safe.
27. Remember: the worst present you could possibly get a dwarf  woman is a Ladyshave. Get a nice bead instead. Dwarf ladies love beads!
28. Make sure you have enough practice in reading bedtime stories when you have to take care for dwarflings. Especially those including squirrels and dinosaurs.
29. Try to keep a Hobbit´s bathroom intact while using it. They´re bad plumbers.
30. Emptying the pantry is perfectly fine, though.
31. If someone offers you a cheese knife, accept it. It may come in handy as letter opener.
32. Be stubborn.
        ( I am not stubborn.
          I am not stubborn.
          I am NOT stubborn.
          I AM NOT STUBBORN, BY DURIN`S BEARD!)

33. Never trust a wizard´s map. Try using a compass.
34. If you have a bad sense of orientation, do not travel alone. You might lose your way. Twice.
35. When you see gold, go crazy.
36. Beware of dragons. Do not tickle them while they´re asleep.
37. Don´t let Bofur describe dragons to Hobbits. They´re not “flying furnaces”. The dragons, I mean.
38. A perfect gift for a Hobbit is a pair of foot hair curlers.
39. Do as much blacksmith work as possible in your free time. It improves your skills, and the ladies might want to watch.
40. If you cannot regain Erebor, consider moving into a Hobbit house. It´s a hole in the ground as well, after all, only smaller.
41. Moose antlers are no toys. Nor are they decorative.
42. If you party, party hard.
43. Only a smelly dwarf makes a good drunk, so do smell – but do it with majesty.
44. Keep your braids as tidy and accurate as possible. Rebraid when in need, but never make a girlish face while doing so.
45. Carry enough metal beads with you to decorate your braids. If you run out of them, use an old Coke can.
46. If in danger, never forget to praise the size of your non-existent parasites.
47. Look as majestic and melancholic as possible while smoking your pipe and singing songs in a stranger´s house at night time.
48. If you have to write a contract, write it as complicated and long as possible.
49. Bury your purse. It may serve as long-term deposit.
50. If someone hands you a strangely shaped key, look as shocked and astonished as possible.
51. Trust the dwarf with the whitest beard in your group. He probably knows better than you. He probably also has a better sense of direction.
52. Do not fangirl when first encountering a Hobbit.
53. Be prepared to die for your family. They care for you – do them honour.
54. Never make fun of Durin´s beard. It was the most majestic one.
55. Actually never make fun of Durin at all.
56. Nor of your mother.
57. Or the king´s sister. She bites.
58. Beware of Gollum. He might be in want of an exotic lunch.
59. Only trust rings you have forged yourself.
60. Never forget your inner size. Even if you measure less than 1,50 m, you might have the heart and grace of an 1,87 m one.
61. Being majestic is all about attitude. Size does not matter – in every sense.
62. Except when you´re talking about your beard.
63. Wear the hugest and bulkiest boots you may find. Make sure they have iron caps. They´ll leave epicly majestic footprints.
64. When hearing someone tell stories about your past as a soldier, make sure to stand on the edge of a mountain at night and look majestic.
65. Hate wizards. They might lead you to elves.
66. When telling someone to give someone else a pony, don´t forget to speak with a majesticly deep voice.
67. When being with elves, always assume that they´re insulting you, even if they invite you for dinner.
68. It is unfair and rude to throw sausages at overweight dwarves with doughnut-shaped beards.
69. Never forget to burp after having emptied your pint. It is utterly majestic.
70. Yell at people and insult them before you hug them and tell them you´re happy they´re still alive.
71. Know the sound a dragon makes without having ever encountered one before.
72. Like oak trees; they make good shields. But do not hug them.
73. In fact, never hug a tree. Not even if he asks for it.
74. Ents count as trees.
75. Be nice to squirrels. They have bushy tails and make pretty coat decorations.
76. Have relationships with your horses, but keep them on a platonic level.
77. Never try to sing “If I had a hammer” with other dwarves when they´re sober.
78. Be insanely happy when you get to ride in a helicopter for the first time.
79. Maths, geometry and engineering are both, awesome and majestic.
80. If you want to follow the latest fashion, wear braids in your moustache and your hair in a star shape.
81. Axe pieces in your skull are no decorative objects. They hurt.
82. Stress how underappreciated dwarven realms are whenever you can. (Moria is NOT just a mine, by Durin´s beard!)
83. Be prepared to be shipped with the strangest beings. Hobbits, for example.
84. If you want to look really majestic, push your braided moustache upwards by making a duckface.
85. Never shave completely. You might end up looking like a girl.
86. No matter what you do, remember – Uncle knows best.
87. If you start losing your capital hair, dissimulate your bald skull under some fancy tattoos.
88. Only the fiercest warriors can pull off mohawks.
89. Do not smoke when being outside in the rain. It´ll only ruin the tobacco in your pipe.
90. Beware of white Orcs. They´re wicked.
91. Never underestimate dwarves with sophistically braided hair. They might be the strongest in the company.
92. Be careful while naming a dwarf´s gender. Facial hair doesn´t necessarily make a man.
93. A group of travelling dwarves is never just a group. It´s a company.
94. A respectable dwarf may rather die than to get shaved.
95. When being in Moria, do not forget to taste their famous cupcakes.
96. When being in Moria, beware of Durin´s Bane.
97. Should you witness two dwarves axe- or sword battling, don´t shout “Can you not do that! You´ll blunt them!” . They might start singing.
98. Never try to convince a dwarf that he´s actually living in New Zealand. He won´t believe you anyways. Because he´s too stubborn.
99. No company of dwarves can be separated easily.
100. Learn those rules by heart and recite them aloud in front of a group of friends without laughing. It´ll make you appear insanely majestic.
A Beginner´s Guide On How To Be Majestic: You are here! :D
An Advanced Guide On How To Be Majestic: [link]
An Expert Guide On How To Be Majestic: [link]





This little piece is a collaboration between :iconabschaumno1:~AbschaumNo1 and my humble self.

It was inspired by :iconalbinonial:*AlbinoNial´s Fii and Kili edition of “Beards and Braids”:
[link]

We saw the cover, and I remember ~AbschaumNo1 laughing so hard when she read “A Beginner´s Guide On How To Be Majestic” , and she went like: “WE HAVE TO WRITE THIS!!!” :rofl:

So in a particularly boring Poetry Analysis class we sat down and typed this! We were pretty surprised to get 100 points together, actually. :D

There are some references to the actors themselves as well, just in case you wonder.

As for No. 95 – she and I had a movie night with two other friends, watching the extended version of “The Lord Of The Rings”. I had made nougat cupcakes for the occasion, and we baptised them “Moria Cupcakes” for some reason.

If you :+fav: and like this, don´t forget to walk over to *AlbinoNial and give her some love as well! Without her, we would not have come up with this!




If you liked this little guide, you´d probably love :iconallmyninjas182:~allmyninjas182´s 20 Rules of Thorin and Company.

20 Rules of Thorin and Company 20 Rules of Thorin and Company

1. Despite having a name Bilbo Baggins shall always be referred to as ‘the Hobbit’ or ‘Burglar’.

2. Thorin’s speeches are majestic and must be adhered to at any point in time.

3. Balin must always be the one to tell stories of the past.

4. When the Hobbit states that you have parasites it is wise to always play along.

5. Kili and Fili are never to be separated. Ever.

6. Trolls cannot be reasoned with. They are half-wits.

7. Kili and Fili are not to watch the ponies. Ever.

8. Elves are not appropriate company. The only time an elf may appear in dwarvish speak is in the conte


It´s awesome, I laughed so hard! Besides it´ll provide you wonderful information on how to organise your Company. :3




“The Hobbit / “LotR” © JRR Tolkien
“The Hobbit” movie © New Line Cinema / MGM, director: Peter Jackson
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:iconmanyrandomadoptables:
ManyRandomAdoptables Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
PURE GENIUS
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:giggle: Hehe, thanks!
There are two more parts. :eyes:
Reply
:iconelessarundomiel:
ElessarUndomiel Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2015
Oh my god, this is so majestic!!!! 😁 You're a genius I love it!! 😊
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hehe, thank you. :3
Reply
:iconfgpinky123:
Fgpinky123 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I can imagine Filli and Killi writing this and saying it out the the Company, and taking turns saying them!
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Awww yes, it´ll be so much fun hearing them saying all that stuff. :giggle:
Reply
:iconfgpinky123:
Fgpinky123 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
And Thorin would love #86.
I can imagine Filli and Killi say it together!
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XD Indeed he would.
Reply
:icondaredreemer:
DareDreemer Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
OMFG... I am laughing so hard.
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Can you imagine this has been written during an actual lecture? XDDD
Reply
:icondaredreemer:
DareDreemer Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
lol... Oh God!
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It was hard to keep the giggling to a minimum. :giggle:
Reply
:icondaredreemer:
DareDreemer Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I can imagine. It would have taken me a month of Sundays to have written that out, too much laughing.
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
90 minutes of awesomeness. Gotta say my writing partner is brilliant at such things.
Reply
:icondaredreemer:
DareDreemer Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I will agree with you.
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
She writes fan fiction, mostly for the Marvel and Les Mis fandom, and I love to read her writing.
Besides that she´s on of the greatest people I´ve ever had the honor to meet.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconabsmvstars5:
absmvstars5 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013
This is the best guide ever!
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hihi, thank you. :3
Reply
:iconshtiya-is-my-power:
Shtiya-is-my-power Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
They have gotten even better now I've actually finished the movie. :rofl:
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know right? We even start quoting them in everyday life, it´s hilarious. :rofl:

You know what? When I was at college this afternoon, a package was delivered to my house containing a Hobbit leaf brooch and a replica of Thorin´s key to Erebor!
Imagine my face when I came home! *.*
Trying to make decent pictures of them so I can post them.
I do have an idea who sent me them, though (probably a friend of mine).
Reply
:iconshtiya-is-my-power:
Shtiya-is-my-power Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha! That's genious! :XD:

That is so cool. :D You have a very good friend walking around... Somewhere... :XD:
Reply
:iconlilis-gallery:
lilis-gallery Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
OHMYGOD... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I think I peed my pants. (Oh shit, this is not very majestic, is it ?) All of these are so hilarious... I'm gonna learn the whole thing by heart and do my best to be the Dwarf I've always wanted to be. :+fav:
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Merci beaucoup! Venant d´une artiste si douée c´est vraiment flattant. :love:

(En plus, je vois que nous partageons une obscession mutuelle en ce qui concerne le Hobbit. :giggle: )

As- tu aussi lu les deux autres parties? Je suis juste curieuse. :)
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:iconaurorablix:
AuroraBlix Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Get a nice bead instead. Bitches love beads!
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:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Exactly!
Reply
:iconwinxhelina:
Winxhelina Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
When I first started reading this I thought you were actually being serious about this, but then I realized what it was about, You did a rather good job - it's clear that you put a lot of thought into this & that you really love the movie. It was pretty amusing to read :)
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XDDDD I´m sorry, but your comment made me laugh sooo hard - in a good way!
We did not put any thought in these - maybe in 4 or 5, but for the rest they came rather spontaneously.
If you knew me in person, you´d know that I am making such jokes all the time while speaking, and ~AbschaumNo1 isn´t any better. XD

But thank you. :bow: We hoped to make people laugh.
Reply
:iconwinxhelina:
Winxhelina Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
It's OKAY!! LAUGH ALL YOU WANT:D
And I believe I would like your sense of humor in real life
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It just reminded me of that debate I had to prepare and hold with 4 other co-students (and ~AbschaumNo1 was one of them). None of us had read the book we were supposed to talk about, so we just relied on sites like Wikipedia or Sparknotes and Youtube (there´s a movie versuion of the book) to get the thing done, just one day before we actually had to lead the debate. After it was done, our teacher said things like "You´ve made some very good points here; I can see you have put a lot of thought into this." We were just looking at each other holding our breath not to laugh. XD
Reply
:iconwinxhelina:
Winxhelina Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
I'm really shoocked none of you have read the book. Even I have. xD WELL GOOD BLUFF THEN.
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You have read "House of Mirth" by Edith Wharton?
Reply
:iconwinxhelina:
Winxhelina Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
OHH SILLY SILLY STUPID STUPID STUPID ME. I tought we were still talking about Hobbit. Gish. I need to pay attention.
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:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Naah, it´s okay! I did mention somewhere that I had to read the Hobbit for class, but that was for another course.
I have so many books to read I´m messing them up myself sometimes.
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(1 Reply)
:iconironmandy:
IronMandy Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
it took me hours to read this 'cause I had to laugh so much!
you did a great job, I love this!
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XD It took us 90 minutes to type this, actually.
Thank you! Part 2, the Advanced Guide, is in progress.
Reply
:iconironmandy:
IronMandy Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :)
I can't wait for part 2!
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Here you are: [link] :
Reply
:iconalbinonial:
AlbinoNial Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You guys are the most amazing persons ever! I love this sooo much! :'D
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you sooo much! :hug:

Actually we came up with so many more of these ideas that we decided to sit down and work on "An Advanced Guide On How To Be Majestic" and "An Expert Guide On How To Be Majestic" as well. :giggle:

I´ll send you the links as soon as they´re finished.
Reply
:iconalbinonial:
AlbinoNial Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my gowsh, that is amazing! I can't wait to read them! :'D
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
We have a rather long lunchbreak tomorrow that needs to be filled wih something to do - besides eating. XD
Reply
:iconalbinonial:
AlbinoNial Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ohohoho, I wish you all the luck! ;D
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Here you are: [link] :giggle:
Reply
:iconalbinonial:
AlbinoNial Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Why are you people so perfect? 8D I love this so much!
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XD We just enjoy doing nonsense and being creative at the same time.
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(1 Reply)
:iconscutterland:
Scutterland Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Student Digital Artist
:la: TOOO FUNNAY!!!!!!! WOW you are clever geniuses in a most hilarious fashion!
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Be happy you don´t know me in person; I keep making puns like that all the time while speaking. XD
It gets worse when I´m with very close friends, as I may actually start including sexual innuendos in them. :giggle:
Thank you, the Advanced Guide is in progress. ;)
Reply
:iconscutterland:
Scutterland Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Not the advanced guide!!!! Ahaha, don't make us die laughing!!!

LOL, what's wrong with making puns?
Reply
:iconsweetlittlevampire:
SweetLittleVampire Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
OH YES I WILL!

Idk, it sometimes annoys people.
Reply
:iconscutterland:
Scutterland Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Ahahaha! I am DOOMED then!!!

Well, sometimes the most annoying is the most endearing XD It could happen LOL!
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