An Advanced Guide On How To Be Majestic

- Or how to become the dwarf you´ve always wanted to be - in 50 additional steps. -

1. Know yourself. This will make you appear even more majestic than you already are.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, take the Hobbits to Isengard.
3. Only trust elven blades if there´s no Elf on the blunt end.
4. Be polite to the Lady of Lorien.
5. In fact, to every woman.
6. It might be your mother you´re talking to.
7. If the Hobbit of your choice won´t accept the foot hair curlers you brought him, try giving him a pony.
8. Or food. Hobbits love food.
9. Punch your fellow family members in the ribcage if they talk nonsense. It might save their life.
10. When eagles are around make sure to hug a Hobbit.
11. When entering someone else´s house, do not forget to scratch the dirt off your boots on some antique pieces of furniture.
12. Don´t learn to swim. If you must cross a river, use barrels.
13. When realising a legend is true tell everyone (and risk your life doing it).
14. Wear your hair and beard long. Because you´re worth it.
15. Avoid dragons. They´re good for nothing. They don´t even serve as cigarette lighters.
16. Unless you want to make a shield out of their scales.
17. Embrace the existence of ladders. They´re essential in eye-to-eye conflicts with elves.
18. And when you want to hit them in the face. In case there´s no ladder, aim for elven bodyparts on your eyeheight-
19. When presented with a map you cannot read, be reluctant to accept help from an outsider. Never accept help from an elf.
20. In fact, never ever accept help from elves. In any case. (Who would accept help from people who wear their nightgowns all day long anyways?)
21. However, you may consider allowing an elf to treat you in case of severe injury or illness. They may be tree huggers, but they´re also quite good healers.
22. Never talk to trees. They might reply.
23. Be suspicious of men with birds under their hats.
24. Remember: ponies are not mutton. Nor are your relatives.
25. Never feed your Hobbit with apples. Hobbits do not understand apples.
26. Do never compare Hobbit ears to Elf ears. Hobbit ears are FAR more majestic.
27. If you adopt a hedgehog, do not call him Sebastian. People might think you´re crazy.
28. Don´t eat too many mushrooms. Even if they might turn you into a funghi to be with.
29. Never try to frighten your Hobbit with stories about Orcs. Some of your relatives might feel majestically offended by it.
30. If you type a list like this, make sure to do it during a lecture class or a seminar. It´s more than majestic.
31. Show  a majestic sense of responsibility for your company and an even more majestic one for your Hobbit.
32. If your Hobbit saved one of your relatives, wait until said relative yelled at his saviour before you thank him properly.
33. When you see your lost home appearing on the horizon, make sure to look as majestically dramatic, moved and happy as possible.
34. Never dance barefooted on tables. Even if you´re drunk. That´s the Hobbits´ job.
35. Do not play with food or pottery, unless it´s not your own.
36. Always try to look gorgeously majestic, even when you´re injured, unconscious and carried by an eagle.
37. Don´t wait for wizards. Plans change.
38. When an elf ask you something about your kind, repeat it several times. He might need a bit to get the idea, even if you tell him such simplistic things like your people are starving in the woods.
39. Beware of black rivers.
40. And kraken in lakes.
41. If you fail to complete your crossword riddle or Sudoku, ask the Hobbit in your company. They´re brilliant at riddles.
42. If the Hobbit asks you what he´s got in his pocket make sure that he´s really asking you. He might just think out loud.
43. If he asks you beware that it isn´t an innuendo.
44. If you´re making a long-term deposit, make sure to bury some perfume with it. Someone might dig it out later.
45. A troll´s things never stop smelling.
46. Never speak of dragons as being “hot”.
47. Don´t dig or carve too deep. You might end up at the other side of the planet.
48. Not everything you find in a mountain is valuable. Who says the Arkenstone was nothing other than some pretty piece of dirt?
49. Never ask the Heirs of Durin to sing. The younger ones cannot sing, and the older one might do it anyways.
50. If you´re in need of a napkin, use your beard.